he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
