i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
