just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
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Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
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Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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