Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
