Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This is my gift to your gina
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
