Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
