ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
