i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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