I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
