K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My bed smells like the plague
My vagina just clenched in fear
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
