I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
