There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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