Your mouth is God's brothel.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just blew my weed a kiss
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
