Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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