So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
