then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
