I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
