he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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