I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
i now understand why vodka
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
