I'd wear matching sweaters with you
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
