New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
