Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
