I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
