what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
