next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
This is my gift to your gina
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
