if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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