fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
