I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
