drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
