My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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