we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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