I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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