I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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