you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
