So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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