I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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