remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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