It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
