you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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