I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Randomize
