The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
