Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
