My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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