remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
