zippers are such a cool invention
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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