My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Two words: nipple clamps
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