Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
