Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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