yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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