she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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