I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
