I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
