Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
