At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
