what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
