I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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