i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
